Something strange happened to me a few weeks ago but before we get to that, I’ll give you some context.

I’ve mentioned previously that I started acting classes and at the moment we’re working towards a showcase where I have to perform a monologue. For those who don’t know exactly what a monologue is, it’s basically a couple of minutes speech that tells a story and brings a character to life. Mine is about a young father who is doing his best but feels bullied by his father-in-law.

We’ve performed it on and off for weeks but recently, as we rehearse more and more I did the same performance for 3 weeks straight.

The strange thing that happened, was that my acting teacher said the performance was very powerful and masculine. This was the first mention of the word masculine, that might not seem all that strange but it is for me. I laughed this off and didn’t really think much else about it. I then performed the week after and again, powerful, masculine. I mentioned it to my girlfriend after the second time and she too laughed it off. The reason being, that no one has ever called me masculine before. I like plenty of manly things like UFC, BJJ and Football but I’m also a bit of a geek at heart. I love gaming, I love the theater, I love musicals, performance, poetry. I enjoy Disney films and plenty of chick flicks… and I’m also stupidly sensitive due to my mental health issues.

Masculine? Me?

I’ve never ever thought of myself as masculine before and obviously my girlfriend hadn’t either due to the fact that she laughed when I told her… (screw you Chloé). However, week 3, another performance, another mention of masculinity and this time, the other people in my class echoed the same sentiment. It honestly got me a bit confused and taken aback. I understand that I’m playing a character and you’re supposed to be different but this word kept niggling at me all the way home.

I told my girlfriend about it again and this time she didn’t laugh, but said, ‘Well actually, you are quite masculine really.’

She listed some of my attributes, broad shoulders (to help carry all my stress), I’m a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Purple Belt, I’m a Senior Creative at work and I’ve been through a lot of shit in life and kept going. It got me thinking that the person I see myself as, is very different to the person that others see.

The person I see is the little guy with the shaved head, with no confidence and crippling shyness that I was when I was growing up. I don’t see myself as athletic, or having muscles, being a leader or being someone who should be respected but realistically, I have become that guy.

Poor little guy

I’ve worked hard to get where I am in life.

I don’t mean that just when it comes to career either. When you have depression you have to work so hard just to get through the day. I’ve worked on myself so hard just to be able to be in a position where I can begin living my life again and yes, I have also worked damn hard in my career to get where I am. I’ve been doing BJJ for almost 8 years now and I’ve had to work hard both mentally and physically to stay active on the mats too.

I think sometimes when you have mental health issues you can only focus on the negatives. I focus on all the negative parts of my personality but then I wonder why I feel uncomfortable sometimes when people come to me for guidance or want me to organise something.

I think I’ve earned that respect from people and maybe other people do see me as masculine sometimes, even if I don’t see it myself.

When I thought all these things it made me wonder how many parts of our personality do we simply take for granted?

I do actually have a lot of attractive attributes going for me… and I don’t mean attractive as a sexualised thing, I mean attractive qualities that other people look to and want for themselves. A quick example is that I’ve always been attracted to anyone with confidence, whether that’s a man, woman or some kid dancing at a wedding because he just doesn’t give a fuck what other people think.

Everyone will have their own individual, attractive qualities but if you suffer with low self esteem, self-loathing or depression, then these qualities will remain hidden from you and it’s only other people who can see them… and therefore it is only other people who can see you for who you truly are.

So here’s the challenge, simply try viewing yourself through someone else’s eyes.

List the things that others might see in you that are positive attributes, that you sometimes forget you have.

Make the list and you might just surprise yourself.

You’re doing better than you think.

Stay awesome,

Paul ‘Masculine’ Day AWAY